Can we talk? I mean really talk. We’re friends, right? No secrets? We’ve known each other a long time, right? Well, ok, not that long, but still. I can be honest, right? No hurt feelings?
It’s your wine choices… well, I mean, not your wine choices, it’s just that, you know, you let everyone else decide what you should drink. Why do you do that? I mean, I know you, right? I know that you love rosé! So, why not drink it? Because the guy you’re dating thinks that rosé is just a summer wine? That’s ridiculous! How would he know? He was drinking Captain & Coke until a year ago! He’s been to Napa twice…wait…what? Only once? Right! So why listen to him? You hate Cabs! Oh, I know…its getting cold out…yes, I know everyone says red wines are for cold weather, but who cares? Drink what you like!
Wait…what? You think people will judge you if you drink the wrong thing? That’s absurd! And so what if they do? Judgemental people are that way because they are afraid that the rest of us will figure out that they’re scared! Especially judgey wine people! Judgey wine people are the opposite of knowledgeable wine people…yes, I know, they pretend to know what they’re talking about, but believe me, they don’t…what? He told you what? That white wines are not serious? That they’re not ageworthy? What the hell does he know about aging wines? All he’s ever done is drink them…and frankly, drinking till he’s falling down drunk doesn’t make him a connoisseur!
Palate? Nonsense! He doesn’t have a ‘good’ palate! That’s utter nonsense! So what if his father has a wine cellar! That doesn’t make him an expert! Knowledge isn’t hereditary! And swiping his father’s Bordeaux as a teenager makes him a budding criminal, not a sophisticate! No, a good palate is not inherited either! Learning, tasting and remembering wines is how you develop a good palate! No, you’re not born with one! That’s nonsense!
He said what? Rosé is white and red wines mixed together? Oh boy, he’s even more clueless than I thought! Yes, I’m sure that he learned that in Napa…but probably not at a winery! He said what? That Cabernet is the kind of grapes because it’s been around the longest? Honey, this guy doesn’t have the first inkling about wine! Yes, ok, sure, he’s very nice, and yes, comes from a good family, but, why does that give him the right to tell you what you should drink? Red wine gives you a migraine! You shouldn’t drink it! Ever! It’s just not worth the risk! Who cares what he thinks!
Listen…no, I mean it, listen to me. Wine is just…wine. If you like a wine, great. If you don’t fine. It’s only wine! There is no deeper meaning! It’s not transformative! It’s merely an alcoholic beverage that either tastes good…or it doesn’t. Your wine preferences are not predictive of future earnings or electoral success or your chances of being inducted into the Tennis Hall of Fame.
Here’s the thing…there is no perfect wine. No perfect wine pairing. No perfect length of time to age a wine. Leave all that nonsense behind. Here’s the truth…if it tastes good, it is good. Sure, it’s fun and interesting to learn about wine and even more fun to visit wineries and wine regions. But drinking too much in a winery tasting isn’t really the same as learning about wine, now is it? And doing that over and over again doesn’t really mean that he has some vast font of knowledge. It means that he drinks too much.
Do me a favor…please, just listen, ok? This year, this time, just relax. It’s only wine. Buy the best wine that you can afford and share it with your family because you like them, not because you want to impress them. And if the best wine that you can afford comes in a box, so what? Oh, your brother-in-law will make fun of you? The same brother-in-law that falls asleep every year with his hand down his pants? He’s the one that’s going to make fun of you? He’s the expert?
Oh. Right. No doubt.